I've been such a fool

Sometimes I wonder if being sentimental is a good thing.

I asked my grandparents to come to my graduation; they offered me money instead.

When Santa comes, I sometimes just wish I had a check for the two hundred dollars he spent on clothes that didn't fit and dolls that I grew out of nine years ago.

I've never believed in the Easter bunny.

I burned the poem you wrote me yesterday because it reminded me too much of that little sophomore who made me feel more beautiful than the moon.

The pictures of moments that I pinned on my wall have holes all in between everyone's eyebrows and on their wrists and I'm starting to wonder if I'm destroying my past.

We ate all the cookies that we made for Christmas tree ornaments.

The things I thought this day

My parents made green pancakes.

Green is not a creative color.

I didn't miss you, cold.

Collegeboyscollegeboyscollegeboys.

I'll never be here again.

Turkey pepperoni sounds very delicious at this moment.

I hate peeling potatoes. They can eat their potatoes with the peels on for all I care.

Not cool, Robert Frost.

My hair still matches my eyes.

Oh, baby pine tree. Someday you will be beautiful and then we will cut you down.

COLLEGEBOYS

Oh, I wish I had gotten one of those brownies.

How can she keep her Cadbury eggs in the same bag as her Goldfish? That can't taste good.

Stupid earwig. Die earwig, Die.

I can't believe I thought this would work.

She let him drive?!

Oh, I want to marry him. Oh, why is he engaged.

Hipster weddings.

The most important word in the English language is not love. It is remember.

You are the precious adornment worn around the neck of your ancestors.

Must lose weight while eating what I want and sitting on the couch.

collegeboys?

Can you call them University boys?

universityboysuniversityboys

BAR-B-QUE

This post is stupid. I hope people read the previous one.

constellation saviors

Never dread the day when I have no words to spit at you.

My thoughts are frozen on specifically,

you.

 and the world rushes by,

leaving me in its wake.

Followed by the rhythm of 

Long-short long-short long-short

Them?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

You?

Ain't nobody got time for you, 

or your jokes or games or gambles.

Those stupid gambles.

Remember me when I'm still here and never 

forget the distance of the race

until you are running it.

The ancient souls who watch 

distill the soul and remind us

of careful encounters.

cue running horses into the sunset while an endless sky of billowing clouds swim through the cold air and a withered girl lying in a field of black thorns. the satiric animals of the sky stare down on her pale skin and whisper to one another of her fragility and her limp existence. A conclusion is made and she is lifted finger by finger into the sky of endless "noir" and gleaming twinkles, never to be lost without a star again.

Oh, dear, you look frightful.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, murderers, space heaters. I'm afraid of never living up to my potential. Fear crawls up my legs and eats at my heart whenever I feel incompetent or whenever there is a possibility that a boy could like me. I'm especially afraid of those boys.

I'm afraid that I'll marry an abuser. And I'm afraid that I won't want to leave him and he'll kill me.

I'm scared that if I write this post tonight, then nobody will read anything else I've written and they'll be stuck with this dirty washrag.

I'm most frightened of words.

Words that bite and words that melt your confidence like acid. Words that encourage falsely with an air of sarcasm that tears and rips.

Words like 

Crawl,

Stalk,

and Hate.

Rejection,

Dismissal,

Elimination,

Failure.

I'm afraid of words like Love and Forever and Infinite.
I'm especially afraid of infinite.

"Your dad is dead"

"We can't buy groceries"

"I'm leaving you"

Words, words, words, haunting, deteriorating, eating at my conscience and feeding my creativity all at once. I'm afraid that I'll someday have so many words I won't be able to use them all, and I'm afraid that I'll forget all my words and I'll lose the connection that the syllables create between me and my parents, me and my friends, me and myself. 

{I'm afraid of dark words--like unforeseeable and like black and placid. (Especially placid because of what comes after the placid.)}

Dark words like sex and like the b and the f and the h and the lmnopqrs swear words. I'm afraid of the power that they give and the authority that they bestow.  I'm scared to use them but I'm scared that if I don't then I can't be good, I can't hold that power, I can't captivate an audience. Without them your sentences simply can't be daring, or creative, or "deep". I'm scared of people who use them and I'm subject to their power. I'm not preaching to anyone, but I'm just saying that you frighten me.

Frankly, 

It's quite terrifying.

 Boys, belly buttons, toe fungus, optimists, Nazis, gingers, chili peppers, eight year old children, long fingernails, losing my eyelashes, car accidents, bald people, falling, falling and not having someone to catch me, french horns, mannequins, canned food, earthquakes, dinosaurs, (really dinosaurs), scary movies, mirrors, big spoons, dependency, hammers, spiders, bugs, knives, Attila the Hun, murderers, karate classes, sour cream. Death of people, life, eternity, kids that never blink, spilling nail polish on tables, driving on the wrong side of the road, not getting accepted to college, being poor, spending all my money on food, having kids, being pregnant, getting an epidural, etc etc, other baby-having related things.

Hey, I know, I'm a Pansy.

{Alice}

A tempting Introduction for the hard-hearted.

Unoriginality may or may not be my middle name, but for now, my name is
Alice.
Alice, Alice, Alice.
A traditional name for an eccentric girl who never understood the world. Alice, like wonderland. Alice, with the last name C.
C. for conventional, C. for Cooper (as in the 60's rock star), C. as in "Can't have no last name".
Simply put, I'm Alice and I'm an avid reader. Writer. Doodler.

I wish there was a way to stop stretching the truth. I wish there was a day when I could be original, unique, alone. If I could touch my toes then you would like me. Read me. Love me. Surround me with endless compliments, even if they are lies. Lie about who you are. Lie about what you think. Pretend you know me, pretend I'm your lost dog or your best friend or your dead grandma. Pretend I'm Alice in Wonderland, pretend I'm Alice Cooper the rock star, pretend that I'm Alice.
But never Alicia.

There's already somebody else with the name Alice.

HOW conventional, HOW old-time-english, HOW unprofessional and uncreative.

I tried to impress you and I've plummeted into an endless plume of hazardous smoke, full of the stench of high school and failures and drugs. I've tried and failed. I can see by the look on your face that you've already given up on me, that you've left Wonderland.
 
Whisper criticisms in my ear and flaunt your cruel words with endless torment at my secrets. I'll tempt, I'll lie, I'll take your hand and force you to touch. Don't acknowledge my existence until you can imagine my face screaming at your brain and holding your heart in my hands. I'm only scared to show you the Alice that envelops the dark ruins of my once-wonderland, destroyed by hate and scraped clean of all bitter innocence.

And I can never escape,
No matter how hard I try,
No matter how many times I fail,
No matter 
No matter
No matter

Tempt me.


Alice.