constellation saviors

Never dread the day when I have no words to spit at you.

My thoughts are frozen on specifically,

you.

 and the world rushes by,

leaving me in its wake.

Followed by the rhythm of 

Long-short long-short long-short

Them?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

You?

Ain't nobody got time for you, 

or your jokes or games or gambles.

Those stupid gambles.

Remember me when I'm still here and never 

forget the distance of the race

until you are running it.

The ancient souls who watch 

distill the soul and remind us

of careful encounters.

cue running horses into the sunset while an endless sky of billowing clouds swim through the cold air and a withered girl lying in a field of black thorns. the satiric animals of the sky stare down on her pale skin and whisper to one another of her fragility and her limp existence. A conclusion is made and she is lifted finger by finger into the sky of endless "noir" and gleaming twinkles, never to be lost without a star again.

Oh, dear, you look frightful.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, murderers, space heaters. I'm afraid of never living up to my potential. Fear crawls up my legs and eats at my heart whenever I feel incompetent or whenever there is a possibility that a boy could like me. I'm especially afraid of those boys.

I'm afraid that I'll marry an abuser. And I'm afraid that I won't want to leave him and he'll kill me.

I'm scared that if I write this post tonight, then nobody will read anything else I've written and they'll be stuck with this dirty washrag.

I'm most frightened of words.

Words that bite and words that melt your confidence like acid. Words that encourage falsely with an air of sarcasm that tears and rips.

Words like 

Crawl,

Stalk,

and Hate.

Rejection,

Dismissal,

Elimination,

Failure.

I'm afraid of words like Love and Forever and Infinite.
I'm especially afraid of infinite.

"Your dad is dead"

"We can't buy groceries"

"I'm leaving you"

Words, words, words, haunting, deteriorating, eating at my conscience and feeding my creativity all at once. I'm afraid that I'll someday have so many words I won't be able to use them all, and I'm afraid that I'll forget all my words and I'll lose the connection that the syllables create between me and my parents, me and my friends, me and myself. 

{I'm afraid of dark words--like unforeseeable and like black and placid. (Especially placid because of what comes after the placid.)}

Dark words like sex and like the b and the f and the h and the lmnopqrs swear words. I'm afraid of the power that they give and the authority that they bestow.  I'm scared to use them but I'm scared that if I don't then I can't be good, I can't hold that power, I can't captivate an audience. Without them your sentences simply can't be daring, or creative, or "deep". I'm scared of people who use them and I'm subject to their power. I'm not preaching to anyone, but I'm just saying that you frighten me.

Frankly, 

It's quite terrifying.

 Boys, belly buttons, toe fungus, optimists, Nazis, gingers, chili peppers, eight year old children, long fingernails, losing my eyelashes, car accidents, bald people, falling, falling and not having someone to catch me, french horns, mannequins, canned food, earthquakes, dinosaurs, (really dinosaurs), scary movies, mirrors, big spoons, dependency, hammers, spiders, bugs, knives, Attila the Hun, murderers, karate classes, sour cream. Death of people, life, eternity, kids that never blink, spilling nail polish on tables, driving on the wrong side of the road, not getting accepted to college, being poor, spending all my money on food, having kids, being pregnant, getting an epidural, etc etc, other baby-having related things.

Hey, I know, I'm a Pansy.

{Alice}